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There may well be 8 million people in New York City, but most of them won’t do, and that’s an awful big haystack to sort through. Don’t tell them to stop being picky or make more of an effort.

And Internet dating may actually be a hindrance for some people. Honestly, those things can create so much defiant anger in the single person that it becomes a barrier to looking.

magazine has an interesting article out this month called “Why You Should Stop Googling Your Dates.” In it, author Samantha Henig argues that online information about potential dates can be problematic.., an associate professor of information at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, who explains that the treasure trove of data available via social media sites has encouraged people to treat their dating options like a shopping experience. Rather, appreciate that there are a lot of benefits to being single and that they may have trouble giving those up. Help them build their self-efficacy by encouraging them.

I've certainly been guilty of the picky-shopper approach: Some nights I have two tabs on my computer open at once—Anthropologie for clothes and Ok Cupid for guys. Remind them how good they are at facing other challenges in their lives.

In some ways, you’re telling her that her not-reinforcing experiences are less important than your (fortunately) reinforcing experiences. Do people who stay married just know better how to pick partners?

Everyone who gets married hopes their relationship will be one for the storybooks. In some cases, perhaps, but I’d argue that at least some percentage of the time it’s just dumb luck.

However, this does not mean that the person does not still .

That is, people who would never dream of telling a depressed person to “just try harder,” to pull herself “up by the bootstraps,” or to “just get over it” have no problems telling single people exactly that when it comes to finding a life partner.

(Unless you’re the sister of one of my students, who has had getting coffee with strangers. Add to that the fact that dating is time consuming.

When you have a busy job or children, for example, there may be barriers to going out with every potential match you meet.

We live in a coupled world, and many people are so afraid of being alone that they don’t know to be alone. You never really know if you have chemistry until you meet.

Yet when a single who enjoys being independent (regardless of how much she also wants a partner) wants to find a partner who is more reinforcing than that autonomy says that she’s having trouble finding a good match, the statistics come out. Maybe rather than telling singles they just need to try harder, should try harder to help them.

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